A Journey
by Falling rain
Summary: HakkaiYaone or KougajiYaone however you wanna take it. A certain green eyed demon and Yaone.. What happens when they are forced to travel together for some time? COMPLETED!
1. Chapter 1 Meetings

Well..This is not my first fic, but it is sort of the first I've ever posted on this site…. I wrote this as part of a composition some time ago. I've finally done enough to post the first chapter and here it is. The length will depend entirely on my mood I guess……

Disclaimers: I don't own any of the Saiyuki characters or anything.. don't sue me, I have totally no money.

A Journey- A Hakkai and Yaone story Chapter 1 

Hakkai brushed his brown bangs away from his eyes. It was starting to get hot, and they were starting to annoy him. He grumbled within himself as he continued forging a path through the thick woods. Sweat trickled down his forehead and into his startling green eyes. The hair he had brushed back earlier flopped back into his eyes, and Hakkai resisted the urge to swear, and kept up his usual smiling facade. He was so used to being nice and cheerful that he could not suppress his smile, even when he was alone. What really annoyed him was his continued optimism, which started to exasperate even him after a while.

He thought, "_I am going to **kill** Goyjo!_" but kept on that small, slightly insane smile he had on all the time. It seemed to be an almost permanent fixture on his features.

Hakkai was on his way to meet his friends in Xuexiao, a large town that he would reach after about five more days of travelling through this dense forest. Hakkai was still a little irritated that none of the gang, not even Goyjo or Sanzo, had notified him about the change of meeting place. They had originally planned to convene in Hong-Nan, but when Hakkai finally reached there, all he found was a little, hastily scribbled note from Goyjo telling him to go to Xuexiao. _That _was why Hakkai was ploughing through the forest on foot. His _loyal_ friends had even taken the Jeep with them.

Exhausted, he knelt down by a small spring that was fed by a large waterfall upstream. He couldn't see it, but he could hear the muted thunder some distance off. As he bent his head to taste the cool waters, he noticed a piece of cloth float past. Mildly curious, he lifted it from the water. It was wet and dripping, but he could still see a few traces of fresh blood on it.

Since he had nothing better to do, Hakkai decided to track the blood down to its source. It wasn't as if the others really needed his company or anything.

He strode upstream calmly, following the meandering track that the stream had made, ignoring the low shrubs and vegetation that grew beside the stream. When he rounded the bend, he saw a magnificent waterfall, but he noticed nothing except a forlorn figure lying on the shore, half in, half out of the water near the cruel rocks that lay at the bottom of the waterfalls.

His eyes narrowed when he thought he recognized the figure. _No…it couldn't be…could it?_

Hakkai ran up to her, his heart thudding painfully. When he drew near, to his relief, he saw that she was still breathing. Kneeling down, he lifted her out of the water.

He was shocked to see the horrible condition she was in. her long purple hair was tangled and matted, her clothes were torn…in rather… inappropriate places and she was covered with many scrapes and cuts. Hakkai blushed slightly and averted his eyes politely.

One of her legs was twisted at an unnatural angle, and her arms were covered with what threatened to become nasty bruises. She was bleeding profusely.

With amazing speed, Hakkai took out a blanket from his pack one-handed and placed her gently on in, careful not to aggravate any of her numerous injuries. He then set about to gather wood to make a fire, and soon, he had a fire crackling merrily

He knelt down beside her and proceeded to do all her could to help her heal. Unfortunately, with his limited skill, all he could do was close up her many wounds. He could not help the wound that had festered, or her broken leg. Shaking his head, he sighed and straightened.

Yaone stirred. Hakkai knelt down beside her again.

She opened her eyes drearily and saw Hakkai gazing down at her. She blushed when she saw his face. As if in response, his face was tinged with a slight blush too.

She stared up at him. "Hak-….-.kai?" she said slowly and painstakingly, as if every word caused her pain. "What _gasp _are you _gasp_ doing here?"

He smiled down at her. "I should ask you that too. Where's Kougaji? What are you doing out here in the wilderness? And, most importantly, how did you get here?"

Something flickered within Yaone's eyes. "I fell into the water." She looked down, purposely avoiding his gaze.

Hakkai knew that that was not the whole story. He was about to question her some more, but something about her manner stopped him.

He didn't continue. He didn't want to push Yaone too far. In a way, he was fond of her. She reminded him of his dead sister, Kanan. A small jolt went through his heart. Hakkai winced. I Her /I memory could still hurt him, even after all these years.

"Okay," he said, smiling at her. "Accidents happen right?" He laughed, the laugh that Goyjo termed as totally psychotic. However, the laugh had a different effect on Yaone. She felt a warm flush run through her and she gave a tiny smile back to Hakkai, despite the pain she felt inside.

He sat there for a while, contemplating but came to himself with a jolt. "Sumimasen, I need to go look for food," he said, still smiling. He stood up and disappeared into the forest.

Yaone watched him go, and when she could see him no more, the tears that she had been holding back flowed freely, blurring her vision. The trees merged with the sky in a swirling green-blue.

**Flashback**

"_Kougaji-sama, Kougaji-sama!" Yaone called the red-haired demon. "I'm sorry to disturb you but-" _

"_Yaone." Kougaji's voice was a monotone. His eyes were shrouded in shadow, and his head was bent. _

"_Yes Kougaji-sama?" _

"_I need to speak with you." His voice was still deadpan. _

_Yaone was a little surprised but she went over to him. _

_She stood before him. "Kougaji-sama?" she asked, her voice inquiring. _

_His voice and whole manner changed. He straightened up and his eyes gleamed with a frightening light. _

"_Yaone," he said between clenched teeth. "I need you to leave." _

"Leave?" she said confused. "As in, go away for a little while?" 

_He shook his head vehemently. _

"_No. Leave. Permanently. Forever." _

_Yaone was shocked. "Kougaji-sama? Why..what have I done? Is there anything that I've done to displease you? Kougaji-sama, forgive me…I promise I'll not repeat whatever mistake I made…please, Kougaji-sama…" _

Kougaji glared at her beneath the shadow on his face. "Don't you see?" he said harshly. "Your very presence annoys me. I hate the very sight of you. Leave. You bring me intense displeasure. I want to see no more of you."

_Yaone's eyes filled up with tears. "Why, Kougaji-sama… what have I done? Please…give me another chance." _

"_Go away!" Kougaji's voice was filled with irritation and displeasure. "Get out of my sight! I want to see no more of you!" _

_Yaone slowly backed away from the man she had loved, and worshipped since she first saw him, and when he had saved her, she had committed herself entirely to him. _

"_No Kougaji-sama," she said softly, tears flowing down her face. "I will not leave. I swore my eternal fealty to you. I will not desert you until I die." _

_Kougaji swore. He advanced forward and stood menacingly in front of Yaone. _

"_I release you from that vow here and now. Get out of my sight, NOW! I don't want to see your face, I don't want to hear you voice, GO!" _

_Yaone wilted, as if he had hit her. She backed away, trembling from head to toe. She did not even feel the tears that were pouring down her cheeks. Her whole body was numb. She started running, in hope that she could escape from the hurt that was growing and growing, threatening to overflow within her. The next thing she knew was that she had fallen into some cool, embracing water, and she gratefully gave in to the reassuring current._

**End Flashback  
**

"Kougaji-sama…" she thought, trying to stop the flow of tears. "No…."

Hakkai came walking back. He was carrying some various wild plants and fruits.

He saw her tears. "Uhhh…sumimasen, is this a bad time?"

Trying to blink away her tears, Yaone shook her head.

Hakkai knelt by her again. "Are you sure you're alright?"

She was about to nod, when she caught sight of the knife he wore at his waist. Dazed and uncomprehending, she could only think of one thing. With a lunge, she grabbed at it. However, she was not quick enough.

Hakkai grabbed her hand halfway.

His eyes flashed, and his face was grave and stern. Yaone stared at him. This was a facet to Hakkai's personality that she had never seen before.

"I don't ever want to see anyone die before me again, Yaone," he said, face hard and unmoving.

"You don't understand…I have nothing to live for…why shouldn't I die?"

"Many people will be shaken and upset if you die, Yaone," he said, voice gentler.

Yaone felt something snap inside her. "Who cares if I die? Who would give a damn? I have totally nothing to live for, nothing! What have I to hold on to? There is nothing…this world is EMPTY! It's so empty…" she trailed off, sobbing. She was starting to get slightly hysterical.

Hakkai's eyes narrowed slightly. He touched her forehead gingerly. It was warm. Too warm.

"High fever…and hysteria," he deducted. "Yaone?"

She stared dully at him. "I know."

He shook his head. "I can't do anything about fever." His eyes clouded over, and his brow furrowed.

Yaone felt a glimmer of hope. _Maybe I can die. Maybe he will leave me here… maybe. _

Hakkai straightened, as if he had just made a decision.

Yaone was shocked as she felt herself being hoisted onto Hakkai's back.

"Nani!"

"I'll get you to a doctor, even if I have to carry you all the way." He turned round to smile at her. "I won't let you die."

Ignoring her feeble protests, he gathered up all his things with one hand and started walking.

At first, Yaone struggled and beat Hakkai's back without the slightest effect. However, after a while, she subsided.

"Why?" she sobbed into his warm back "Why are you helping me? Why don't you let me die?"

Without stopping to look at her, he answered, "I don't want anyone to ever take his or her own life. I think of that as an _abomination_." The vehemence with which he said that shocked her.

Yaone was shocked at the fierce vehemence with which he said that. He steadily plodded on, ignoring leaves and branches that were in his way. He just charged through with a fierce determination, taking no heed to anything.

She thought that she had angered him, and was about to apologize when he turned his head to look at her. Still walking, he gave her the little polite smile he always wore. "Sumimasen, are you hungry? If not, I'll keep on walking."

Shocked at the great pace at which Hakkai's emotions changed, all Yaone could do was shake her head in negation.

"Okay!" he said, happily. He trudged on.

Throughout that journey, Yaone's condition worsened. Her fever slowly lapsed into delirium, and Hakkai had quite a bad time.

When under the influence of her fever, Yaone did very strange things. For a while, she had no consciousness of her surroundings. She kept having memories back to her recent past.

Once in a while, she would scream, "Kougaji-sama!" and grabbed wildly around. Unfortunately for Hakkai, on several occasions…

"Ya-….one…-san….I…would…appreciate…it…" through gritted teeth "…if you…would kindly…release…your hold…._there_…"

All in all…Hakkai did _not_ have a pleasant time.

Back at a certain castle…

"Kougaji-sama!"

Kougaji turned to look at his subordinate, Dokugakuji.

"Did you get any information?" he asked anxiously.

The dark haired man nodded. "We trekked down her journey…she fell into a river. After that…we don't know."

Kougaji slammed his fist into the wall, frustrated.

"I told you, on no account let her out of your sight!"

Dokugakuji looked away, meditative. "Why did _you_ let her out of your sight in the first place?" he asked, careful to keep his tone totally neutral.

Kougaji glared at him. " I wanted her to be more independent. She relied too much on me. I couldn't see her like that."

"But why.." Dokugakuji looked down. He couldn't say it. He didn't want to aggravate his master more.

"Why did I tell hurt her to that extent?" asked Kougaji, voicing out his thoughts for him. "She would have never left had I not done that. I had to hurt her, enough to make her leave. Even though she is my subordinate, everyone has pride. They can only be pushed that far."

"You say one thing, but your heart says another. Kougaji-sama, be honest with yourself," said Dokugakuji as brusquely as he dared.

"What!" Kougaji turned to glare at him.

"I'm sorry if this angers you Kougaji-sama, but I get the feeling that you aren't speaking the truth."

Kougaji's eyes narrowed. "I'm not?" his tone lowered, becoming more dangerous and hostile.

Dokugakuji smiled slightly. "I'm sorry, Kougaji-sama. Forget that I even mentioned it." He turned away and walked to the door. At the doorway, he paused for a while and turned his head over his shoulder to look at the still smouldering Kougaji. "But, Kougaji-sama, you really should be honest with yourself, if with no one else." With that, he left.

Kougaji just stared blankly at the empty doorway. "I'm honest with myself…aren't I?"

Hakkai was in a dilemma. He stood by the large stream for a while. The cessation of movement woke Yaone up. This was one of her more comprehensible moments, when she actually knew what was going on. She lifted her head feebly, and saw the large body of water up ahead.

"Oh, no matter," she said, trying to keep her tone cheerful "You can just leave me here, and you can be on your way in no time at all."

Hakkai said nothing. He narrowed his eyes for a while, and came to a decision. Yaone was transferred from his back, and he now cradled her in his arms.

"Nani!" from Yaone.

"Sumimasen, Yaone-san. But this is the only way." He smiled again, the smile that made Goyjo quail and quiver.

"What are you going to do?" asked Yaone.

"Well, since I obviously can't swim through it, or go under it, there's only one way."

Bracing himself, Hakkai took a running start and leapt. Under normal circumstances, he could have cleared the stream, no sweat. Unfortunately, he was carrying Yaone, and he severely miscalculated. He landed directly in the stream with a huge splash, just a few centimetres away from firm ground.

"Sumimasen!" he said, laughing. "I'm so sorry!"

Yaone could only smile weakly. She shivered slightly, feeling the cold, glacier-fed waters of the stream.

He noticed her slight shivering and was immediately shocked and remorseful.

"Oh no!" he said, eyes widening. "And you're already ill!"

He rushed out of the water as quickly as he was able. He deftly collected materials and made a large fire.


	2. Chapter 2 Dreams

Ruby: I've changed my nick..=) I was depressed when I first got my account but now I'm fine and dandy..^^ We'll see about the ending..*grins evilly*  
  
Rook: Trying, trying trying! Just wondering..you're Malaysian right? =))))  
  
Craz_Psycho : Ehehhe..good idea! I shall try that out, maybe in this fic, maybe in some other.=)  
  
Kurtain: =) You'll see..yeah..she got the fever through the festering wound.  
  
Turtlez: Oooh.thank you for your comments.. Anyways..Kougaji cannot come to terms with his own feelings and he pretends to himself that all he wants is for Yaone not to be too dependant on him.  
  
Riyuki Chen: Yes I'm gonna continue~~~ =)  
  
Sumo Driver: You'll see...  
  
To everyone else that read/reviewed: Thank you so much, I totally appreaciate all your good reviews, you've all really made my day. I'm sorry, I am not able to reply to every single one of your reviews.  
  
I'm trying really hard to finish up this fic..unfortunately, the demands of school (e.g. projects, homework etc.I have no time to write at all.haihs...) I'm going through this thing known as the PMR this year...=(((((( I don't like public examinations.. they're evil!!!! *cries*  
  
I guess I can only put up one chapter a week at most..no time...  
  
Thoughts are the ones enclosed in since I can't seem to use html here..=(  
Chapter 2  
  
Yaone groaned as softly as she could, hoping that she would not disturb the man who was keeping faithful vigil by her side. Unfortunately, she did not guess how sharp his ears were.  
  
"Yaone-san?" he said anxiously, moving nearer towards her. "Does it hurt?"  
  
She smiled weakly and said, " It's okay. I'm fine. Don't worry." She said all these in short sentences, as it was getting hard to breathe.  
  
But he knew it was a lie. She was pale, and her breath came in slow, torturous gasps. Pain tore through her body, burning her up, grasping her in its merciless claws. Small gasps came out through her tightly clenched teeth. Yaone's whole body shook and shivered. Her dunk into the water had done no good. He couldn't get her out of her wet things because it wouldn't be decent. Sweat trickled down her forehead in rivulets and plopped on to the damp ground beneath her.  
  
He watched her with an inscrutable look in his eyes. It pained him to see her pain. He never liked to see anyone in pain.  
  
"Yaone-san," he said softly, her name coming out like a soft caress from his lips. "I-"  
  
A sudden thundering from the sky above interrupted him. He looked up, and saw ominously rolling clouds above that threatened to open up and pour down the tears of the heavens.  
  
He would have sworn if he were that type of person. The rain won't be good for her, he thought to himself. "We need shelter," he muttered aloud. He straightened up and looked around. No good. There were only trees, and trees were inadequate shelters from rain.  
  
Meanwhile, the first droplets were already falling from the sky. Hesitating no longer, he gathered her up in his arms and attempted to use his body to shield her from the now fast falling rain.  
  
He walked quickly but smoothly, trying to avoid overly jolting her. The rains was now coming down in thick sheets, soaking through his clothes and making his hair fall into his eyes, blocking his vision. Despite Hakkai's best efforts, Yaone was soon thoroughly soaked. However, she was almost oblivious to all around her. She dozed, in a world of her own.  
  
******  
  
Yaone looked around wildly. "Where am I?" she said aloud. This world was strange. It seemed like someone had taken blue, green and red paint and randomly splashed it over everything. It was strange, and ill pleasing to the eye. She turned a few full circles. The landscape was bumpy and weird, and strange lines seemed to dangle around in the air, with no visible means of support. She saw that she was in a valley of some sort, and that she could barely see more that a few metres in all directions.  
  
"What is this place?" she mused.  
  
"Yaone..." came a smooth, masculine voice from behind her. The voice she knew better than her own. The voice of the man she loved. "Leave and never come back!" His voice, magnified thrice its normal volume resounded in her heart.  
  
"Kougaji-sama!" she said, confused. She turned around, just in time to see a flash of red hair over the next hill.  
  
She had no thought but to follow him. To follow the man she had pledged her life to, and whom she had secretly pledged her heart to. "Kougaji-sama!" she called again, scrambling up the multi-coloured hill.  
  
But when she reached the top, she could see nothing. Her surroundings inexplicably changed, and she was now standing on top of a snow-covered mountain. Wild winds buffeted her from right and left, and she shivered with cold. Hugging her arms around herself, she looked around again. There was nothing, only mountain peaks and snow. All around, all snow.  
  
"Only this and nothing more," she whispered to herself, quoting and old poem she had heard a few times. She felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness. "Kougaji-sama!" she yelled to the uncaring mountains. Her voice echoed around, changing with every echo until it became just and ethereal whisper, alien to her, and scary.  
  
"Where are you? Don't leave me!!!" Her last words echoed again and again. She sank down on to her knees. "I'm all alone. Don't leave me here!" She sobbed and sobbed to the callous sky, calling Kougaji's name again and again.  
  
It was getting colder and colder. She felt herself going numb with the cold, and welcomed it. "Let me die!" she screamed. "I want to die!"  
  
But suddenly, the scene changed yet again. She was in another valley, but what a difference. This place. she closed her eyes and opened them again, fearing that it would all disappear. "It's so. beautiful," she muttered softly, her eyes softening as she drank in all that was around her.  
  
The sun shone down with gentle rays that caressed everything it touched lovingly. A small breeze blew around, ruffling her hair and the grass that grew everywhere. Hearing small gushing and tinkling sounds, she turned and saw a delightful brook, bubbling and sparkling with joy. A few weeping willows trailed their long leaves into the water, moving slightly with the flow.  
  
She lifted her face and felt the sun, warm and wonderful. Her whole body warmed up, and she thawed out gratefully. She lifted her arms up and danced round and round, laughing with a pleasure that filled her and made her want to sing for no apparent reason.  
  
A pair of arms circled around her waist, and lifted her up into the air. Then, she felt herself pulled back and locked in an embrace. Yaone sighed blissfully. She had never felt so happy or secure ever before. She turned around, and saw.  
  
.beautiful green eyes that looked back at her with wonderful softness and tenderness. She had never seen anything so marvellous in her entire life. His hair fell into his eyes, shining in the sun, and she drank in all that she could see greedily. How his face looked so loving and delightful. How the way he smiled made her go weak inside.  
  
She suddenly pulled away. Wait, this is all wrong! she told herself. She shuddered. It wasn't Hakkai she loved. She loved Kougaji and always would.  
  
Somehow, this must have made its way into her face and communicated itself to Hakkai because when she looked up, she saw his face creased with hurt and worry.  
  
"Yaone-san," he said sadly.  
  
"Go away!" she cried. "Don't do this to me!"  
  
"Yaone-san." She heard him calling her again, this time more anxiously.  
  
Huh?  
  
"Yaone-san!" More urgently.  
  
What is this?  
  
"Yaone!" A rough shaking of her body.  
  
She awoke with a gasp and took in her surroundings. A small, dark cave lit only by firelight. Through a small entrance, she could see rain pouring down in torrents. She tried to sit up and winced slightly when her back protested.  
  
Then she straightened up suddenly with surprise. There was no more pain, and she felt no more delirium. She looked down and saw her leg. It was perfectly healed, save a small long scar that ran down her thigh.  
  
"Hakkai-san?" she said and looked at the man, and gasped with shock. His face was tight and pinched, and it was grey. She also saw that his hands were trembling with exhaustion. His breath came in slow shuddering gasps.  
  
"Yaone-sa-" he croaked, falling forward. Yaone caught him deftly and gazed steadily at him.  
  
"What did you do to yourself?" she asked.  
  
"I.healed you. I used..all of my ki," he whispered, barely able to speak. "I couldn't. bear..to..see.. you..in any..more.pain. You.reminded.me.too..much of..Kanan..Don't.want.to see.you..hurt.." With that, Hakkai spoke no more.  
  
"Hakkai-san!" yelled Yaone, tears pouring down her face. "Hakkai!" her voice died down as she cried once again, for the man that had saved her life more than once.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
A.Notes: So...=) What did you all think of it? Remember, the faster you review, the more I'll write.=P I'll be waiting for the reviews.  
  
~~~Bye bye..^_~ 


	3. Chapter 3 The Calm before a Storm

Kurtain: Thank you so so much!!! Hellcat: I'm panicking like crazy.=( even though it's all objective.I'm not too good at "tembakking," as the term goes.. Did I make Kougaji that mean? Oh dear..=P my dislike for him must be showing too strongly.I'm not overly fond of Kougaji...he keeps Yaone away from Hakkai, evil person..*laughs* I like him though, his devotion to his "haha" is touching. Rook: Write it all???? Sorry.don't get that..=( But it's cool to know more peeps from M'sia. *gryns* chubby sanzo: Kou's in denial! Hehehehehe... ceres17: yes I totally agree!!!!! It sux to the max! Doku calls him Kou? Oops.sorry..haven't watched Saiyuki for a long time.timing not good... Arista Niara: I'm kinda a very strong Hakkai/Yaone supporter..but of course, if I feel like it..Yaone might go back to Kougaji...or.*grins evilly* I could do a yaoi. Hakkai/Kougaji anyone?  
  
I've reread the third chapter.seems painfully short..I did some editing and here's the end result.. Ehehhe..didn't do much editing..sorry...distraction*in the form of irritating bf came along*  
  
Chapter 3 (re-edited) Thoughts are now enclosed in ^^  
  
Yaone leaned slightly against the rough stone walls of the cave. She leaned her head on the irregular stone and felt the roughness against the smooth skin on her cheek. It was raining outside. She sighed softly. It seemed to rain continuously now. The heavens had not stopped weeping for three days.  
  
"The sky has seen much to mourn," she whispered faintly to the dark grey clouds above. A lock of purple hair fell down and obscured her vision. She brushed it aside absentmindedly. ^It's so quiet here.^ She stifled back the tears she felt coming. ^It's so lonely, and gloomy.^ Giving herself a mental shake, she straightened and turned around to walk back to the inside of the cave.  
  
She knelt down beside Hakkai's still body and gently brushed back the long brown hair that had matted down on to his eyes. She felt a great wave of gratitude go out to this man. He had helped her more than she could ever imagine. In healing her physical wounds, he had also somehow healed her spiritual ones. Even though the thought of Kougaji still brought a small pain into her heart, she no longer felt herself worthless or deserving of death. Cho Hakkai had shown her, somehow, that life was too precious a thing to just throw away like that. After he had almost killed himself to save her, she could not bear to take her own life and waste his hard efforts.  
  
Coughs racked through his long frame. He choked slightly, and Yaone was all attention. "Hakkai-san?" she asked, concerned.  
  
He whispered weakly, "Water." His lips were cracked and almost bleeding.  
  
Frowning slightly with worry, Yaone reached towards a hollowed out stone she used as a makeshift bowl. She dipped a piece of clean cloth into the clear water inside and gently patted the water onto Hakkai's lips.  
  
He was still too weak to drink. He would choke. Yaone was quite worried about him. Healing her had weakened him to a point that he could barely move without assistance. She swore that she would stay by his side until he had regained his health. She owed him that much. Her heart was torn inside. This man had almost sacrificed his life to save her, and she was deeply touched by what he had done. Guilt raged within her.  
  
She shivered slightly and glanced automatically towards the fire she had built some time ago. It was out. She frowned, displeased with herself. She had not even noticed that. Sighing, she stood up, and stretched slightly. She needed to collect more firewood. Unfortunately, with so much rain, it would be hard to find any dry materials. Berating herself on her carelessness on letting the fire go out, she walked out of the cave into the drenching rain. While looking for stuff to make a fire with, she also searched for certain herbs and plants that she knew were filling and nutritious. Hakkai would need them to hasten his recovery, and she needed to eat too.  
  
Smiling with pleasure when she finally found a rare leaf that she wanted, she didn't realise that she was being watched until she caught a small shadow in the corner of her eye. Dropping the leaf, she spun around, and saw nothing. A few metres away, a small twig cracked. She glanced up just in time to see a small, retreating figure far far away in the treetops.  
  
Narrowing her eyes, she shrugged and bent down to pick up the leaf. With that, and all the other things she had gathered, she had enough to make a nourishing broth for Hakkai. Quickly, she strode back towards the cave, getting wetter and wetter by the minute, but not caring a whit.  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
Dokugakuji ran into Kougaji's room where the red haired man was pacing around impatiently. The red haired man was clearly agitated. He whirled around immediately when he heard Dokugakuji's footsteps.  
  
"We found her, Kougaji-sama," said he.  
  
Kougaji leapt towards the taller man eagerly. "You have? How is she? Is she all right? Is she alone?" The relief in his tone was painfully evident.  
  
"She seems fine."  
  
"What do you mean?" asked Kougaji, his eyes narrowed slightly.  
  
"We didn't manage to observe her long. She caught sight of the spy."  
  
Kougaji did not speak for a while, contemplating the situation. "Well, she it would have eventually," he mused aloud. "She's good enough. I trained her well." A gleam of pride came into his eye.  
  
"Umm.. Kou?" Doku said tentatively.  
  
"What?"  
  
"What do you want to do? About Yaone."  
  
"Hmmm," Kougaji's eyes gleamed. "Where is she? I want to go bring her back."  
  
Dokugakuji hesitated. "Kou," he said, uncertain on how to go on.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Don't hurt her again, please. I don't think Yaone can take too much."  
  
"What are you talking about, Doku?"  
  
"Nothing Kou. Forget that I even said anything."  
  
With that, Dokugauji bowed slightly and exited the room leaving Kougaji standing there, confused.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


	4. Chapter 4 Confrontations

Yes..=P I'm sorry..so so sorry.I haven't posted a new chapter in ages. *sighs*  
  
Wen..anyways.you're not online.=( And I want to get it up. darnit  
  
Neeways.yeaps my exams are over..and luckily my results aren't that bad so I'm not banned from coming online..*grins*  
  
Chapter 4  
  
"Hakkai.." A voice was calling. Calling him. But he was so tired. Too tired. He didn't want to wake up. But the voice continued calling. There was urgency, there was a need. He was needed! He had to wake up. He needed to save someone.  
  
Suddenly he was running. Running and slashing everything he could. There was blood everywhere, on his hands, on his clothes, on his face.  
  
Running and running and running. Then he was kneeling in front of some bars. There was a beautiful brown haired girl behind those bars. A sense of urgency rose in Hakkai. He needed to save her. But she grabbed his knife, and stabbed herself. There was blood. So much blood.  
  
Hakkai screamed and ran. Blood, blood was everywhere.  
  
He wanted to keep on running. Run and run and get away from everything.  
  
It was raining. Good. Wash away the blood. But, to his horror, the rain turned red. Blood! It was blood! Too much. Too weak. Unclean. Death  
  
He fell down on his knees. Blood was washing all over him. It was warm, and wet and sticky. More and more and more blood. He choked. He was drowning. So much blood.  
  
Red everywhere. Filled his vision. He couldn't see, couldn't breath. He was going to die. But he didn't want to. He had made a promise, to live for himself and to live for her. He couldn't die. Too late. It was so warm, so suffocating. Hakkai felt his body go limp, and he sunk further and further into the dark red depths.  
  
Suddenly, coolness. What was it? Lifted up. Air was fresh. He turned to see an angel. She was carrying him, carrying him out of the red death. Her wings were pure white and pristine, uncontaminated by the blood.  
  
Blood. He looked at his hands. They were clean. He was clean. There was no more blood. Safe at last. The sky was beautiful. So many colours. So pretty. So beautiful, yet unearthly. Just like the angel. Pure white wings. Exquisite.  
  
He looked at the angel's face. Kanan, Yaone, Kanan, Yaone. Her features alternated between those two. He watched fascinated.  
  
The angel smiled at him, and her face settled on Yaone's. Finally. He was getting confused.  
  
She laughed, and he caught his breath. Her laugh was heavenly, delightful. His heart sang and soared.  
  
"Beautiful angel, you saved me," he said, whispering.  
  
She smiled, and he was delighted at her radiance.  
  
"Beautiful." he said.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Yaone sat beside Hakkai, biting her lip. He seemed to be dreaming, and he was restless.  
  
"At least you're strong enough to start dreaming anyways," she told him, not expecting an answer.  
  
She watched the man. He smiled, as if what he dreamt of was sweet and wonderful. He looked so. handsome, no, handsome did not do him enough credit. He was beautiful in a way only men could be. Beautiful, heartbreakingly so. Though his hair was ruffled and rumpled it was still so soft. His features were almost too delicate to be male, but there was no mistake that he was. He was not effeminate at all, he was the perfect gentleman. She watched him, her thoughts all on him.  
  
He opened his eyes slowly and stared straight at her. Emerald eyes met with delicate pinkish-amethyst eyes. They gazed at each other, both perfectly still, each not willing to break the spell.  
  
Silently, Kougaji stopped at the mouth of the cave, followed by Doku. "Yaone!" said Kougaji, his amber eyes flashing.  
  
Yaone started, and she turned to look at Kougaji. Instantly, her face changed, and became a blank, empty mask. Hakkai noticed, and noted it with some surprise.  
  
She did not answer. Kougaji hesitated, and spoke. "Y-y-aone," he stuttered, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. "I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it. Please come back."  
  
Her fist clenched automatically, through no conscious action on her part. At first, her reply was so soft only Hakkai heard it. Then she said it again, louder. "No." It was firm, and left no room for argument.  
  
Kougaji was taken aback. He expected Yaone to have been so happy that she would have come with him willingly.  
  
"Why not?" he asked, trying frantically to remain calm.  
  
"I need to take care of him."  
  
Hakkai fixed his gaze on her, and tentatively, reached out his hand to clasp her arm. He opened his mouth to speak, but Yaone shook her head vehemently at him, indicating that he should be silent. He closed his mouth, respecting her wishes.  
  
Meanwhile, Kougaji was slowly working himself up into a temper. Jealousy raged through him as he watched Hakkai and Yaone.  
  
"Tell me the real reason," he said menacingly, through gritted teeth.  
  
"You told me that you hated me. You told me that my presence caused you great displeasure. You told me to leave. You told me that I brought you pain. You drove me out of your castle with harsh words. You expect me to come back meekly when you change your mind?" Yaone said all this in a monotone, allowing none of her agitation and her pain to show in her voice.  
  
She turned her back to Kougaji so that he would not see the tears that were slowly leaking out from the corners of her eyes. It pained her to speak to Kougaji so, but she could not just go back willingly to him after all his harsh words. Even her love for him was not strong enough to make her just give in like that.  
  
Hakkai watched her, his eyes shadowed. He could do nothing to help her. Only she could help herself, and it was her own life. She made her own decisions and her own choices. It hurt him in some obscure way to see her like that, but he could do nothing. All he could do was silently send his support to her.  
  
Kougaji could say nothing. Jaw clenched, he stalked out of the cave, followed closely by the loyal Dokugakuji.  
  
Only after she was sure that they were long gone did Yaone let herself go. She sobbed unreservedly. Before Hakkai could do anything, she lay down on him, sobbing on his shoulder, badly in need of a fellow human's support.  
  
He hugged her silently, saying nothing, stroking her hair gently as she cried. Her slight frame racked with sobs, and his heart was torn.  
  
"It's alright," he whispered. She leant her head on his shoulder, her sobs quietened, but the tears were still flowing freely from her eyes.  
  
Both said nothing, as she cried and he held her all through the night.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
As always..make me happy with your reviews.=) 


	5. Chapter 5 Musings

Rook: You'll see how the story turns up..^_~  
  
swtrkgalditress : I liked the bad dream thingy too!!! Eheh. Well, if a guy just told you he hated you and chased you out, and the after that changed his mind, would you go back immediately???? C'mon, gals should have some pride!  
  
Ruby: It is??? ^_^ I'm not sure actually  
  
Sumo Driver : Thanx so much!!!! =) I love good reviews. Kougaji /Yaone? There was??  
  
kougaijixyaone fan : ;-) We'll see..ehehe . I'll just have to tell you.don't get hopes to high.  
  
Arista Niara : Thanks a lot! =)  
  
Kurtain: @_@ Thank you, that's really flattering.^___________^  
  
Chubby sanzo: Hope it'll get better  
  
guess who : Do I know you? Sorry.=( I don't guess very well..  
  
Anyways.Chapter 5 coming right up. Hope y'all like it... review plz after reading.. Even a single word to let me know you've read..c'mon...=))))))  
  
Hmm..grammar and sentence construction might be out..I'm feeling kinda woozy and lazy.  
  
Oh dear...it ended up much shorter than I wanted it to be... but one is too alzy..if all of you ask nicely, maybe I'll make the next chapter longer.=P Click the review button and make me happy!!!  
  
~~~Chapter 5 ~~~~  
  
Kougaji strode angrily around in his room. He was furious, angry, and livid. He wanted to break something, or destroy something so that the horrible feeling inside would go away.  
  
He was forced to face what he did not want to admit. He was jealous. He, Kougaji, was positively green with envy.  
  
"Cho Hakkai," he said through gritted teeth. He clenched his fist tightly, long nails cutting into his palm. He was slightly surprised when blood started welling out of the half-moon cuts in his palm. He watched the blood slowly drip down from his hand to the floor, drop after drop after drop. The crimson liquid looked so beautiful against the dull stone floor of the castle. It really stood out, and shone with a dull light, bringing life to the drabness of the stone.  
  
His entire being ached, with jealousy and hunger. Jealousy for Hakkai, hunger for a beautiful purple haired demon he loved. Yes, he admitted it. After going through so much he could finally admit it to himself.  
  
It took sending her away, hurting her horribly, and being turned down by her for him to discover how much he loved her. It had come at a very high price, but he felt it was worth it. He probably would not have to guts to admit it to himself had not events transpired as they had. His thoughts were consumed by her, the divine angel who had followed him ever since he had saved her life.  
  
Then his heart gave a wrenching twist as he remembered the hurt and pain on her face. He had done that to her, someone he loved with all his heart. He felt an excruciating pain, gut twisting and painful. He had to gain her forgiveness, somehow. And he knew he could. Somehow someway, he could get her back.  
  
He continued pacing, his strides getting larger and larger, quicker and quicker. Somehow, someway he had to make it up to her. He gritted his teeth, thinking about Hakkai. His thoughts flared. He punched a stone wall in an attempt to release all the anger he kept within.  
  
He thought of Yaone talking with Hakkai, laughing, joking and just being together, both of them. Kougaji deeply envied Hakkai at that very moment.  
  
The jealousy was like a fiery demon, consuming him from inside. Kougaji burned and ached all that the same time. He wanted Yaone, and at some times, he wanted to totally destroy Hakkai.  
  
But Kougaji had one small consolation, one that he kept telling himself, so that he would not go totally insane. "She still loves me," he said aloud. He had still seen that in her eyes, and that was why he had left without making a big fuss. "She still loves me, and not him."  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Hakkai sat up gingerly, wincing as muscles that had long lain inactive complained. He was aching all over, but felt much better than he had for days. Slowly but surely, his strength was returning to him. His drained powers too were restoring themselves.  
  
He braced himself and got to his feet slowly. When his head stop spinning, he could feel his knees shaking. He grabbed the rough wall of the cave beside him, and attempted to hold himself up. His knees buckled, and he collapsed to the floor in an unceremonious heap.  
  
He groaned slightly, as he mentally cursed his aching head. It felt too heavy, too clumsy. His movements were jerky and uncoordinated. He leant his head into his arms in defeat.  
  
Yaone watched silently from the mouth of the cave, her heart twisted in pity. It gave a few more wrenches as she watched him try to stand, and then fall down in defeat again.  
  
She stood at the mouth of the cave, not knowing what to say or do.  
  
~~~~~~~~ 


	6. Chapter 6 Watching the Stars

Helloz! *sweatdrops* Yeah..It's been a really really really long time since I've put up a chapter. I'm so sorry. =( I'm not sure how long it'll be.. I'll try my best.  
  
Life has been pretty tiring and hectic lately. *sighs* I'm really too tired to reply to all your reviews.. but I'm really grateful to all the people that have reviewed, and I've read every single one! Honest. ^_^ I'm glad that there are people who actually read this.. I just want to thank you all for waiting for such a long time.  
  
Ehehe.*is too lazy to use Japanese phrases anymore. I get it all mixed up, so I guess from now on, it'll all be in English except for a few exceptions.like "san" and "sama" and all that.  
  
To anyone else in Form 3, Malaysia: ONLY 50-something DAYS TO PMR!!!!!! PANIC! ;_; I don't like PMR.. and my Grade 6 piano exam is coming very very soon. and I'm not ready.. and there's lots of homework, school is tiring and boring, I get irritated easily.. *will stop ranting now*  
  
Oh yeah.can anyone of you teach me how to do italics and bold? HTML doesn't seem to work..*sighs* Help please?  
  
**** signify thoughts.  
  
Chapter 6  
  
Yaone was tired. She didn't know what of but she was tired. She was sick and tired of thinking, of waiting, of worrying about a man who never returned his love.  
  
"Kougaji-sama.." she whispered softly. In her mind's eye, she could see him clearly. His beautiful golden eyes, his long, red hair that looked like it was on fire, but most of all, his expressive and sensitive face.  
  
She was kneeling down beside a small stream from which she got water to cook and clean for Hakkai and herself. As usual, thinking of Kougaji made the ever-ready tears rise steadily in her eyes. She visibly wilted, and her whole body drooped low.  
  
Hakkai, watching in the shadows frowned. He hated seeing women cry almost as much as Goyjo did. He sighed, pain filling him. She looked too much like Kanan. Being with her brought back memories he would have rather kept hidden or forgotten. He clenched his fist, angry at the man that made Yaone cry like that, just like Kanan had cried before she died, tears devoid of life and hope.  
  
Though he had made no sound, somehow, Yaone sensed him. Her back stiffened and she spun round. Her eyes widened in surprise when she saw Hakkai.  
  
"Oh," she said, not knowing what to say. She hastily wiped away the tears and lowered her head in an effort to conceal her red eyes, swollen from crying. "Hakkai-san."  
  
Hakkai's eyes softened and though many minutes passed, they never left her face. He saw Yaone's attempt to hide all traces of her tears. ****"A beautiful person like you shouldn't cry like that."**** Those words sprung up to his mind, almost betraying him by escaping through his lips but with a great force of will, he managed to control himself  
  
His thoughts confused him. ****What is happening to me?**** he asked himself. Lately, all he had noticed was how beautiful, how lovely and wonderful Yaone was. Ever since his dream of the glorious angel bearing her face and form rescuing him, his feelings towards Yaone had undergone a significant change. He was not sure what was going on, but he was aware of heightened feelings of concern and warmth towards the frail maiden who knelt there crying.  
  
"Are you alright?" he asked her softly.  
  
She nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She liked Hakkai, but right now, when her feelings were all in turmoil, she would like to be alone to sort them out.  
  
Hakkai knew that Yaone would not speak, and sensed that she wanted to be left alone at this point in time. "I'll go and collect the firewood Yaone- san," he said gently.  
  
Yaone nodded mutely, her emotions numb as she watched Hakkai walk away. He was still weak, and stumbled once in a while. Her heart gave a strange little ache watching him. Part of her wanted to run after him, to ask him to stay with her and keep her company in her misery, at least for a while. The other part just wanted to be alone, so that she could cry her heart out. She continued watching Hakkai until he was out of sight. Her thoughts were messed up, confused. She did not know what to think at all. She didn't want to think anymore. Pain was growing within her, a sharp, gnawing pain that was impossible to ignore. "Love," she said aloud, infusing all the anger and agony she felt inside into that one syllable. "I wish it never existed."  
  
--------------  
  
Nightfall.  
  
The crickets and frogs sang their songs of praise the cold stars shining down on the mortals that walk on the face of the earth. The stars see so many things. Hurt, pain, anger, hatred, fear. all these the celestial bodies in the heaven above have witnessed dispassionately. Humanity, they seem to say, humanity is nothing. Humans and demons live out their tortured lives, one after another. We have seen all there is to see. Your miserable existences only last for a few years. When you die, all is gone. There will be others to take your place.  
  
Hakkai was sitting by the mouth of the cave. He leaned back onto the rough stone walls, lost in his own thoughts. Light from the gibbous moon shone into the cave, illuminating his features, softening some points and sharpening others. He looked at the forest. The silvery light of the moon seemed to have sucked out all colour, leaving only pale silvers, ethereal greys and fathomless blacks.  
  
"That's all the world really is, isn't it? Variable shades of black and gray, and that's all. During the day, the proud sun brings illusion, colouring up our lives, filling it with temporary warmth and false promises, strong and harsh. I like the night. It tells no lies. It gives you everything straight." Yaone had come up to the mouth of the cave, and she stood beside Hakkai, her expression emotionless and inscrutable.  
  
Without turning his head, Hakkai said, " True, but all of us, humans and demons alike, we like filling ourselves with false illusions don't we? Life would be unbearable without a few fantasies and dreams."  
  
"Illusions are only a form of escape. We should see reality as it is, bleak and hopeless, not under the glaring sunlight that brings colour to distract the eye, to give false hope."  
  
"What do you mean by false hope?"  
  
"Light brings an inborn feeling of joy, and hope. All these are deceptive. There is no joy, and no hope. All the people who think they are happy and contented are actually deceiving themselves."  
  
"Yaone-san, I'm sorry to say, I totally disagree with you."  
  
"Why so?"  
  
" There is happiness and joy. Hope does exist. And coming back to the topic of illusions, it is night that has illusions. Everything is shrouded in shadow, and nothing is really clear. It is in the day that everything is placed under bright light, and nothing is hidden. Shadows disperse and everything is as it truly is, with flaws at and all. At night, shadows shroud everything, hiding and concealing things from the eye."  
  
"But that is the world as it truly is, dark and depressing, with dangers hiding in every corner, ready to bring you down."  
  
Hakkai sighed, and drew his legs closer to him. "Your view of the world seems pretty bleak."  
  
"That's because I see the truth."  
  
"And the people who have happiness, all they see is lies?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Yaone-san, you are proud."  
  
"In what way?"  
  
"What makes you think you see the truth and others don't?"  
  
Yaone sighed. Her head was aching, and she was not really in the mood to discuss anything. She dropped down beside Hakkai, and drew her legs up to her body. She spoke not, reflecting on the conversation she had just had with Hakkai.  
  
Respecting her mood, Hakkai continued watching the sky.  
  
Yaone's feelings were in a tumult. She was confused over the dark and depressed views she had just pressed upon Hakkai. Normally, she was happy and cheerful, not all down and unhappy like this.  
  
***What's happening to me?*** she thought. "Hakkai-san?" she said aloud.  
  
"Yes?" he said politely, still not looking at her.  
  
"Do you think I've changed?"  
  
There was no reply. Yaone turned her head so that she could see him properly. "Hakkai-san?"  
  
None spoke for some time.  
  
"I don't know." His answer came, shattering the silence. "I did not really know you well before this. However," and he finally brought his gaze down to her face. "You seem sadder than usual." He sighed.  
  
Both knew the reason for her sadness, but neither wanted to speak of it.  
  
Hakkai broke the silence abruptly. He suddenly smiled and said, "Yaone-san, I have something to show you. Look." His lifted his right hand, and in it, a small ball of green slowly grew.  
  
Yaone's eyes widened. "You.. you can harness you chi energy again."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"That means you're almost fully recovered."  
  
"Yes."  
  
Yaone did not know why, but that single word cut through her heart. Suddenly, she was struck with a realisation. She did not want this time together with Hakkai to end just yet. She was not ready to go back and face Kougaji. She still needed more time to collect her thoughts and feelings, or that's what she told herself.  
  
Some of that must have shown in her eyes, for Hakkai said, with some sadness in his voice. "We'll have to get back to the real world won't we? Very soon, we'll go on our own separate paths."  
  
Yaone bit her lip. She did not know how to express it, but she did not want to go back. She liked being with Hakkai like this, day in day out in peaceful contemplation. She also enjoyed Hakkai's company enormously. Something about the kind man struck a chord within her. He was a friend, someone who had almost killed himself to save her. She could openly admit that she was quite fond of him. She didn't want this time to end. That thought repeated itself again and again in her head.  
  
Without warning, she whirled to her left and gave Hakkai a tight hug. "Arigato," she said, not sure what she was thanking him for. Maybe everything. "Thank you so, so much."  
  
Hakkai stroked her hair gently, eyes faintly amused. "What are you thanking me for?" he asked.  
  
"I don't know," she said, and a few tears came into her eyes. "I just want to thank you."  
  
Hakkai could not think of anything to say. He just hugged her back tightly. 


	7. Chapter 7 Decisions

Author's notes(more like author's ranting, or author raving about how sucky her life is.): As of 18th of August 2003 -  
  
Yes, I've finally gotten over the dreaded Grade 6 Piano exam. *cries* I totally messed up. I missed a note and then I sat there for ten seconds just staring at my book, unable to continue.. *sigh* If I were the examiner, I would have failed me on the spot then and there. oh well.  
  
Trials for PMR(stands for the Preposterous Moronic and Ridiculous exam -don't take that seriously.=P) are in a week (that is on 25th of August 2003) !!! Sqeeeeee. I have not studied yet. eheh. *laughs sheepishly* I think I'm taking these exams as a joke. I don't seem to be worried or anything. ehehehehe.  
  
Thankee-sai to all the reviewers. and I'm sorry if some of you got confused over the strange chapter the last time.. I was kinda blur at that time, and in consequence so were my characters. Yaone was a trifle OOC wasn't she.. too dark and gloomy.  
  
*huggles everyone* Well, once again, thank you all you wonderful reviewers. On to the next chapter! Please R & R..  
  
21st August 2003- Tis' sad, it has taken me about 2 days to complete this..and it came out totally messed up.. . but I sort of like it so I'm putting it up. comments are, as always, appreciated.  
  
Disclaimer: (haven't put them for some time) Nope, Hakkai and Yaone are not my creations, neither are they my property, all I'm doing is writing a story about them.  
  
Written from Yaone's POV may be slightly OOC.  
  
Chapter 7  
  
------Yaone------  
  
Seek, and you will not find. Lady Fate is quite cruel in this. She seems to delight in playing around with people's minds. Bringing something tantalisingly close, then snatching it away. Oh, the games she plays. She is probably laughing away somewhere, amused by us foolish mortals.  
  
People keep on searching in vain for what is not to be found. And yet, there are some who search not, but they gain what has been so hard sought by others with almost no effort.  
  
This hardly seems fair, does it?  
  
But nothing in this world is very fair. That's sad but true.  
  
I've longed for so long after the love of another man, and now, I find myself drawn irresistibly to someone else, just when the one I loved for so long seems to finally be showing an interest in me. To make things simple, I have loved Kougaji for so long, and he has never returned my love, at least not visibly. Now, when he finally shows that he might love me, I find myself falling for another man. Not just any other man, but Cho Hakkai, my friend who is also my enemy, in a way.  
  
Cruel irony isn't it?  
  
I am not sure of my feelings at all. The only thing I know is that when I see him, something, a very special feeling rises up from somewhere inside me. I feel happy, safe and comfortable with him. With Kougaji, all I know is uncertainty and bitterness. If what I feel for Hakkai truly is love, well, I'm tempted to choose him.  
  
All my life, I've been searching for something. When Kougaji saved me from that demon, I thought I had found it. I was so sure, so certain. I loved Kougaji, and no matter what I would always love him. But now, now, Hakkai comes in. My life is shaken, and now, maybe, just maybe, maybe I made the wrong choice after all. Do I truly love Kougaji? Or is Hakkai the one I love?  
  
I am tired, oh so very tired. So many decisions to make, so many choices. I had stability and I was content. Then, I had this time together with Hakkai. I never want it to end. I have had trouble admitting that to myself, but now I say it without fear. I never want to leave this place. Here, alone in the wilderness with Cho Hakkai, I am happy.  
  
Sadly, I know that this time will never last. Time passes by, and daily, I can see him gaining strength. Soon, we will leave this place forever, and all that I will be left with will be memories.  
  
He will go back to his friends, and I will return back to Kougaji's castle, once again weighed down with the pressure of unrequited love. But I forget something. Kougaji-sama. lately it seems that his feelings for me have changed, or maybe they are just showing more blatantly. I am not boasting, and I am not vain, but I have perceived that he likes me more than he dares to show.  
  
Kougaji loves me. I try this in my head, repeating it, feeling how strange it sounds. I used to dream about something like this happening, something from Kougaji that would finally show me that he cared for me. Never did I dream that a complication in the form of a beautiful dark-haired, emerald- eyed young man would tear me apart so.  
  
What a complicated and horrible thing this emotion called love is. It has never brought anything but pain and sorrow to me. How can so many poems, so many songs be written on this dastardly emotion, that messes up lives, changes things, muddies up situations? Life would be so happy and easy without this thing we call love.  
  
But it would also be totally empty. Without love, how would us, mere mortals get through our dull and mundane existences? It is always love that drives us on, love of self, self-sacrificing love, hope of love, promise of love, love of cause, love of justice, love of power, love for another, love of peace. The whole world runs on love. I understand the old saying "Love makes the world go round." Let the cynics scoff. It's true. We are nothing without love.  
  
Here I am, sitting down in a cave, watching the stars beside the most wonderful man I will ever know, trying to sort out my life, confused, angry and depressed all because of this emotion called love.  
  
Love it or hate it, it is here to stay. And I have to bear with it. I have to make my choice, so that all parties involved will not be hurt more than necessary. I'm afraid though. I'm afraid that the choice that I will make will be the wrong one, and I'll spend the rest of my life regretting it. That's the only thing that holds me back. I'm too scared that what I choose will be wrong.  
  
Tears build up in my eyes and they threaten to fall, showing the world how weak and frail I am. I grit my teeth in attempt to hold them back. I don't want to be weak, I don't want to be someone to protect. That is what draws me to Hakkai. Though he cares about me, he respects me as a warrior in my own right. All Kougaji ever did was save me over and over again. As a result, often, he tends to put down my fighting abilities, albeit unknowingly, but it still hurts me. I want to be someone he trusts, someone he can lean on, someone he can turn to.  
  
But all I am to him. I don't know what can I be. What place have I in Kougaji-sama's life? What benefit can I give him?  
  
No matter how I twist and turn it, everything comes back to this one question: Who do I love, Hakkai or Kougaji?  
  
~~~~ 


	8. Chapter 8 Rainclouds

Rook: Of course there's another plot. you think I'll let them off so easily? *evil grin* There's still some more to come. And thanks for the good luck wishes..  
  
Ruby: =( It was rather rushed. haihs.. I wanted to get one chapter up before my trials. ^_^ I'll try really hard on this chapter and I'll work on the length as well.  
  
Ceres17: There's something missing? =( Aiks. maybe I just wasn't concentrating properly or something.  
  
wolfos : Nah. everything came out of my own head. =) I'm glad you liked it..  
  
Kurtain: She was just trying to clear her own mind and all that. you see, Yaone does not know whether any of the two guys like her. she's just trying to make up her mind so that she won't be all confused and messed up. ^_^  
  
Ruby25: Hmm.good point. We shall see. ^_~  
  
Swtrkgalditress: Sorry about lack of sweetness.. The author was depressed. now the author will attempt to write a nice, long chapter. sweetness however might not be guaranteed. Sarah: Yeah, I know that both Hakkai and Yaone are youkai.. Hmm..it might not necessarily be Yaone/Kougaji, but I'm not saying it is Hakkai/Yaone either. =)  
  
Triple X: ^_^ Hakkai is such a wonderful guy isn't he?  
  
Cloud : ^_____^ I lovies Hakkai too..  
  
On average, people seemed pretty discontented with my previous chapter. I had my reasons for writing it. maybe I wasn't too happy when I wrote it the last time.* sighs * I will try harder.and thank you to all of you for commenting and giving me ideas on how to improve. =)  
  
Lots of things have been going on in my life of late. I'm sorry I took so long to update. I'm ashamed of myself.*blushes* I'm sorry for the long, long wait.  
  
Chapter 8 - The Journey Back Home  
  
Dreams, the mysterious things produce mostly by our subconscious minds, fulfilling our wildest fantasies but also bringing us straight into our darkest nightmares. Very few people can truly tell what our dreams signify. Some say they mean nothing, some say that dreams are our views into different times and dimensions. Others theorize that dreams are messages that the brain is trying to send us.  
  
Whatever you think they are, you have to admit that dreams have power. We have totally no control over them, no way to bend them to our will. Most of the time, when we are in a dream, we have totally no choice in what we do and what happens.  
  
Think about it. Dreams are just like an exaggerated version of real life. In real life, circumstances, twists of fate, chance. all this is beyond our control. Swept along by an inexorable tide of events, happenings, changes. Remember dreams where you are unable to control what's happening, and all you can do is go along helplessly? Well, isn't life like that too?  
  
Life, to Yaone, was a lot like that. Events, things. they came along, and she was swept along by a wave of circumstances, coincidences, and things beyond her control. All her life she had felt that way.  
  
But here, out in the woods with Hakkai, there was peace. She didn't feel the drive, the pull that she felt in the outside world.  
  
She sighed, and told herself that this was just her way of escaping, of avoiding her problems, and that would not do. So, she finally made up her mind.  
  
When she told him about her decision, Hakkai just smiled his customary smile, though inside, his emotions were turbulent and in a frenzy. What she had told him was not a surprise to him. He had already anticipated it.  
  
The day dawned cloudy, with a slight hint of fog. Hakkai stood outside the cave, waiting for her.  
  
She walked out to him, and nodded. "Well, I guess this is good-"  
  
"Yaone-san," he interrupted, smiling gently. "Why not we travel out of this forest together? We can make our farewells when we have reached the outside."  
  
She was about to protest, but then he said, "I am heading towards Xuexiao to meet my friends, but I can accompany you home first if you wish."  
  
She stopped, thinking. To get home to the castle, she would have to pass through the town of Xuexiao anyway. She nodded, thinking wistfully, "Well, it's just a little more time with him.."  
  
They set out, walking side by side. Both were deep in thought, and they were not in the mood for conversation.  
  
The forest floor was damp and slippery from the rain. She was so engrossed in her contemplations; she did not watch her footing. Her left foot slipped on a pile of wet leaves, and she would have fallen on her back, had she not grabbed wildly at Hakkai. She caught his arm, and almost pulled him down too, but they managed to steady themselves, ending up face to face, very close to each other. Yaone gazed at him, feeling a hot blush rise to her face, and she saw that he was blushing slightly too. She laughed nervously and extricated herself from his embrace.  
  
"Gomen ne, Hakkai-san," she said, brushing back a lock of violet hair that had fallen onto her downcast eyes. She did not dare to meet his gaze.  
  
"It's all right," he said genially.  
  
As Hakkai walked, he found, as usual, his thoughts were straying to the beautiful girl walking by his side. He thought of the impending separation, and he felt his heart ache within him. He knew this feeling, the horrible feeling of loss. He had felt this for a long time, ever since Kanan died, but his pain was now intensified, more concentrated. He could hardly bare to part with her. He had lost the love of his life once already, and now, now that the newly awakened feelings within him were stirring him up, he might lose this one too. Was he fated to be alone for the rest of his life? Pining and longing for the one woman he was not supposed to love. The pain was almost overwhelming him. Her presence by his side was not helping. All he wanted was to take her in his arms and never ever let her go. Just now, when they had touched, when her face was so close to his.. Hakkai shook his head. He should not dwell on this.  
  
The day continued to be gloomy and overcast, and the sky threatened rain. Dark clouds covered the sky overhead, and there was not a patch of blue to be seen.  
  
Yaone could smell it in the air, warmish and somewhat earthy in nature. It was going to rain soon. She considered asking Hakkai to stop and let them find shelter, but decided against it. The sooner they got out of this forest, the better, in case she weakened and changed her mind.  
  
Hakkai frowned when they came to a large gorge. It was huge, and very deep. "We might have a problem," he said, indicating to the ravine with his head. Yaone nodded mutely.  
  
The silence hung uncomfortable and heavy between them.  
  
"What should we do?" asked Yaone, finally unable to stand it any longer.  
  
"What else can we do?" he replied. "We'll have to find some other way through or we could try cross this thing."  
  
Yaone looked down at the forbidding gorge, and towards the man. "I say.. we should try going down and climbing back up that thing."  
  
"Why not?" he said, shrugging. "We'll give it a go."  
  
***  
  
An hour later.  
  
Yaone was tired. They had gone a long way down, and the bottom seemed just as far away as when they first started off. Rain was spattering on her face, her clothes, everything. A wind was blowing against her sharply, seeming to pierce through her entire body. She turned her head to Hakkai beside her, who was frowning slightly. Once in a while, he would raise his head and glare around sharply as if looking for something. After watching him do this for some time, Yaone at last asked, "What's the matter?"  
  
His frown deepened, and he replied, "There's something wrong."  
  
She looked at him, and started thinking. Now that he had mentioned it, she did notice something amiss. It was only a feeling, but she was beginning to get uneasy.  
  
"Hatred. Anger." Hakkai's words startled her.  
  
"What?" she said, confused.  
  
"I sense it. There is much hatred and anger. And a craving for vengeance. Things are not as they seem."  
  
"Why do you say that?"  
  
"Watch this." He picked up a rock, and threw over the edge. They watched as it fell. She gasped when she saw it fall. What she thought was the bottom had shimmered momentarily as the rock passed through it.  
  
"An illusion," she murmured. "I didn't even notice." She had been too caught up in her own thoughts and her own misery to notice things around her properly.  
  
"We should get out of here," he said.  
  
She nodded, and they attempted to go back the way they came. However, something invisible but tangible was standing in their path whenever they tried to retrace their steps.  
  
She turned to him and said, "Someone wants us to keep on moving ahead."  
  
"Someone put in a lot of effort to create this illusion and that someone doesn't want us to leave." He looked worried.  
  
She shrugged. "So, what are we to do now?"  
  
"Since we can't go back, and I think it not advisable for us to push on, I think we should stop right here." He noticed her shivering as a gust of wind danced around her, making her even colder than before. "Are you cold?" There was a note of concern in his voice that she could hardly stand to hear.  
  
She did not answer, but her chattering teeth and shuddering body said it all. He looked around, seeking shelter. All he could see was a small hollowed out part in the rock of the wall of the cliff beside them. It was nothing much, but it would offer scant comfort from the pouring rain.  
  
Without saying anything, he took her hand gently and led her to the depression. He released it slowly as she sat down. There was not much space, so he sat in the rain, emerald green eyes watching her as she tried to get herself warm.  
  
Feeling guilty, Yaone said, her voice barely above a whisper, "Come on in. There's space for two if we squeeze a little. Get out of the rain for a while."  
  
He nodded, and they sat side by side, squashed up against each other. Yaone was still cold, and he could feel her repeated tremors. Finally gathering up the courage to speak, he asked, "Would you mind if I held you for a while? You seem so cold, at least that'll help you warm up a little faster.  
  
She closed her eyes, not knowing how to answer. Then, she nodded.  
  
Tenderly, she felt herself being gathered up in his arms and she leant back against him, feeling the warmth her body so craved. Her shivering stopped, and after a while, Yaone slept.  
  
***  
  
Reviews and comments, as always, are much wanted and appreciated. 


	9. Chapter 9 Unwanted Company

Gomen ne everyone, it's been a while, hasn't it? I'm sorry, just wasn't in the mood.. I'll try to write more… ) A wave of "inspiration" has hit me temporarily, so I ought to take advantage of it..

Chapter 9 – Unwanted company

While he held Yaone, Hakkai's mind was working furiously. Who or what would expand so much power to confine them there? The shield or force field that stopped them from turning around, the elaborate illusion and the overwhelming feeling of…hatred or anger that he could almost taste in the air… Someone went through a lot of trouble to set things up – someone who was filled with negative emotions.

It was a trap. Hakkai's mind was screaming this out to him. He knew it. They were bottled in, with only one way to go. It was worrying. The strong illusion… who knows the extent of its power? They could walk off the edge of the cliff, fall into a hole, get trapped – it was too dangerous. He felt a sense of crushing guilt rushing over him. It had to be him. He had done many despicable things in his life. He had killed so many. It was his hands, his wrongdoing, and Yaone might get hurt or even killed because of that.

His mind was filled with too many things. His eye, the one he hid behind the monocle, was aching. He frowned. It never ached. It hadn't ached for years.

He sighed, and mentally prepared himself for combat, even though his mind screamed at him that they were like rats in a trap. Helpless.

High above, two figures stood, watching Hakkai and Yaone huddle in their meagre shelter.

"Cho Gono…" This voice was light, and she said his name in a high sing-song tone. "He really is quite a beautiful man, as they say. He's got a beautiful woman with him too, doesn't he?"

"Yes."

"How are you feeling? Is holding the illusion taking too much effort?"

"No."

Mirai smiled as she looked at her tall, dark haired companion. "You never will speak much, will you…. sister?"

Hela stood still, her dark purple eyes fixed on Hakkai.

Mirai moved closer to Hela. "Do you want to act now?"

Hela said nothing for a while. Then, she nodded.

"Good. We'll go according to plan then."

The two figures blurred for a while, and vanished.

Hakkai fidgeted, still feeling uncomfortable.

"What's wrong, Hakkai-san?" asked Yaone. She could feel the tenseness in his muscles as he was so close to her.

"Something's coming."

Yaone frowned. She uncurled herself, stood up and walked out of the small hole.

"What are you doing, Yaone-san?"

"Getting prepared. I would rather face it head on than wait shivering in that cave." She stood firm, getting drenched by the rain. Inwardly, she laughed at her own foolishness and false bravado. She had no weapons, since her spear was still somewhere in Kougaji's castle, and she had also lost all her explosives when she jumped into the stream. She was almost defenceless.

"Yaone-san…" Hakkai stopped. He smiled to himself. She had become more spirited, more like the person she normally was.

"Yes?" she said, turning to him, tilting her head slightly.

His smile grew wider. "Nothing." He stood up and stood beside her.

The rain poured down onto them, soaking them to the skin. They stood there, waiting for their unknown opponents to arrive.

Hakkai's hair was sodden, and starting to fall onto his eyes, obstructing his view. After constantly pushing it back from his face, he was starting to get irritated.

Yaone noticed, and despite the situation that they were in, she laughed. "Let me help you, Hakkai-san," she said. She gently pushed his hair to the side of his face.

"Arigatou, Yaone-san," he replied, his emerald gaze fixed onto hers. She was unable to look away, drawn into his eyes.

"Cho Gono…" A light teasing tone echoed throughout the canyon.

Hakkai was instantly on the defensive, his eyes narrowed and his body crouched

"Come out and stop playing your games. I'm tired of your illusions."

"So impatient, Cho Gono… I never knew that you were that sort of person…"

Two figures appeared before them, some distance away.

One was blue-haired with golden eyes, and she wore a tight light blue cheongsam, embroidered with a dark blue dragon. Strangely, she seemed untouched by the rain, her long hair was perfectly waved, and her clothes looked dry. She wore a pair of navy blue heels, and to top it up, her lips were perfectly made up with a shade of high gloss and rich red that was almost black. Her ears were pointed, giving away the fact that she was a demon.

The other was a tall brunette with purple eyes. She had a black trench coat on, with a black shirt and black pants underneath. Her gaze was locked onto Hakkai as soon as she appeared and it never wavered. She was pale, her face seemed bloodless and white. She wore a black hat, similar to top hats that some men were fond of wearing.

"Who are you?" asked Hakkai. Yaone stood behind him, looking at the two females.

"I am Mirai, and this is my sister, Hela," said the blue-haired one, stepping forward slightly.

"Mirai?" repeated Yaone, unable to resist the temptation to ask. "Future?"

"Yes." The answer came from the dark haired one, called Hela.

"What do you want?" asked Hakkai.

"Cho Gono, Cho Gono, you are one fickle, fickle man, just like all men," said Mirai, her voice filled playful reproach.

"What?" asked Hakkai, keeping his face straight.

"Only about four years ago, you massacred one thousand demons to save the woman you loved, and for revenge. What now?"

Hakkai kept silent.

"You seem to keep very close to that woman, Cho Gono… Do you love her?"

"What's it to you?" asked Hakkai, his tone still neutral.

"Just wondering, Cho Gono. I thought you loved that other woman of yours, what was her name again, Kanan?"

Hakkai glared. "What do you want?" He looked at Mirai and then at her silent companion. "What do you want?" he asked again, voice soft.

"Questions, questions, questions… Cho Gono, how did you feel, watching the woman you love die before your eyes?" Mirai's voice grew harder. "Watching her die, sprawled out on the ground, bleeding, bleeding.. all that blood? Knowing that you couldn't protect her, knowing that she had been defiled, knowing that she had killed herself because she was too embarrassed to face you?"

Hakkai's body visibly trembled, but even as Yaone watched, he actually shuddered and regained control.

"I have come to terms with her death, and whatever it is, it should mean nothing to you," he said evenly.

"She took the knife out of your belt and stabbed herself. You just stood there and watched as she died. You couldn't do a thing. You couldn't protect her. You're useless, Cho Gono, totally useless. Weak. You broke your promise. You said that you were going to protect Kanan forever. You lied."

Yaone instinctively reached out her hand and grasped Hakkai's left hand in hers. She couldn't say anything. This was Hakkai's battle to fight. All she could do was give a little support.

He was still, and he was barely breathing. Yaone could see that it took supreme effort on his part to just keep himself in check.

"You keep on asking what we want. I have a question for you. How would you like to see..a woman you love die in front of you again?" Mirai's tinkling laugh rang through the air.

Hela's figure blurred and reappeared beside Yaone. She held a sharp knife to Yaone's throat. Her other hand gripped Yaone tightly around her waist.

"Would you like to watch as she dies, Cho Gono?" Mirai's voice was amused.

Yaone could feel the cold steel on her throat. She kept still, her mind racing. What could she do in this situation? Hakkai stared at her, and his eyes were wild.

"You love her, don't you, Cho Gono? What will you do now?" Mirai taunted.

Hela smiled. She tightened her grip around Yaone.

Lightning struck in the heavens above but the four figures were perfectly still where they stood.

Chapter done.. all reviews and comments welcome, as always.. ))))


	10. Chapter 10: Choices

AN: Read my previous chapter, decided that it was one of the worst that I have ever written. Eeps. Will try to remedy that with a decent chapter this time. It's longer than usual…LONG OVERDUE!

Well, a few chapters ago(during which two years have passed!), I talked about PMR. Now.. I face an even bigger challenge – what is known as SPM! Wish me luck.. It's about the same as GCSE O-levels I think…

To all my wonderful reviewers: Thank you thank you thank you! You all don't know what your reviews mean to me.. I was going to give up on this fic actually.. but now I guess I'll just have to complete it. Thank you once again for your comments and reviews!

By the way, I have NEVER posted this fic on ANY other site. I repeat. "A Journey" has never been posted on any other site. Therefore, if you see this anywhere else, it's definitely a fake, or someone stole my fic and posted it up there. Evilnesh… ;.;

**Chapter 10 – Choices**

Yaone knew that if she so much as twitched a muscle, she would die. The cold steel she felt on the flesh of her throat told her that clearly.

While Hakkai and Mirai were talking, Yaone noticed that the youkai holding her never stopped staring at Hakkai. Her unblinking gaze was very unnerving. Yaone wondered about these two demons' motives. Why were they doing this?

Almost as if echoing Yaone's thoughts, Hakkai spoke. "Why are you doing this?" he asked, addressing Mirai.

"Why?" asked Mirai, her voice low. She strode forward to Hakkai, and without warning, slapped him resoundingly. The force she exerted was so strong that his lower lip, after being jarred against his teeth, started bleeding.

Hakkai did not react, keeping in mind that Yaone was still in the grasp of the other demon, Hela. His blood trickled slowly down, dripping onto the ground.

"Look at my sister, Cho Gonou. Take a good look at her," Mirai said angrily.

Hakkai turned to look at Hela. She continued to stare at him, her gaze revealing nothing.

"What do you see?" said Mirai, narrowing her eyes.

Hakkai stood silent for a moment, thinking. He knew that his answer was very important, and might even cost Yaone her life.

He looked at the tale, pale demon, and gazed at her, taking note of her dark sombre appearance, and her empty eyes. She held his stare unflinchingly. Her eyes never left his, he noticed.

"She looks –" The first word that came to his mind was… sad. It was as if she had lost something important to her – something that was her whole world. He recognised it, having looked into mirrors several times after Kanan's death. However, Hakkai did not voice his thoughts. Instead, he frowned slightly, and finally hit upon what had been teasing his mind for a while. "She looks familiar."

Mirai exhaled. "Is that all you can say?" she burst vehemently.

Yaone felt the iron grip around her waist relax slightly.

Hakkai was still frowning slightly as he looked at Hela. Now that he had though about it, she did look oddly familiar. The long black hair, the pale face, the amethyst eyes….

His eyes widened as his mind flashed back to the awful time four years ago… tears falling to the floor… blood… his insanity… and what had woke him up.

"It's you…" He said, his voice breaking. "It's you……."

Hela looked at Hakkai, and she spoke, her voice soft. "You do remember me, do you?"

Hakkai nodded, suddenly feeling his throat constrict. "Yes…" he whispered.

Hela released Yaone, and walked forward. She reached out her hand, and she touched his cheek gently. He stood still, and looked straight at her.

Suddenly, a thick black mist shrouded both of them. Hakkai and Hela disappeared from view, their figures seemingly melting and merging with the darkness that soon swallowed them.

Yaone reacted almost instantly. She ran forward, but was thrown away by some unknown forcefield. She did not give up, and tried again and again to break through that strange fog. Eventually, she was tired out by her futile efforts and sank to the ground. Still not giving up, she pounded on the invisible force with all her might, choking in breathless sobs, calling Hakkai's name repeatedly.

She felt a tight grip on her left shoulder, and she looked up. Mirai stood beside her.

Yaone looked up at the beautiful youkai, and was shocked to see the entire change of composure. Mirai, who had seemed so tough and angry, was crying, and crying as if her heart would break. Tears were streaming profusely down her face, and she sat down on the ground beside Yaone.

"There's nothing we can do now, but wait," she whispered, more to herself than to Yaone. "Wait, and see what happens next."

Hakkai reached out his hands, and moved forward, encountering nothing. He had been wandering around in total darkness for what had seemed like hours, but still he had not come to anything. For all he knew, he was moving in aimless circles. It was hard to tell. The darkness seemed to press in on him, oppressive and overpowering. Hakkai had never been afraid of the dark, but the darkness around him now seemed menacing, ominous in a sense.

He allowed his mind to wander as he walked, and started. Hela was walking beside him.

The tall, beautiful demon, Hela.

"Cho Gonou," she said, her voice filled with a deep abiding sadness.

She touched his forehead gently, and his memories came flooding back.

She had woken him up from his despair and insanity.

She had ended his rampage.

He remembered…

_A young man, with a lover lost…  
Crazed thoughts…  
The bloodlust that had come over him….  
The demons that he had slaughtered without mercy…..  
The tears that had woken him up…._

He remembered.

He had killed the man she loved.

He remembered her lilac eyes that had been overflowing with tears as she wept by the side of her lover, whom he had slain.

He remembered how he had finally woken up from his dream, from his anger, from his mindless destruction of the demons…. How he had woken up to find his hands covered with blood.

He remembered how he had collapsed next to Hela and wept with her, a demon weeping for his victims and his lost love.

He had fainted, and awoke a few hours later at the same spot, but with a subtle difference.

He wore the demon-control earrings on his ear. He vowed never to lose control again.

He had only walked a short distance, when he collapsed – only to be found by a certain kappa, whose eyes and hair reminded him of blood.

Hakkai blinked as Hela removed her hand.

"You have the power to create…. Visions or illusions in minds…" he said, simply to fill up the uneasy silence.

"In all minds but my own," she said. "I would give…so much… to be able to see his face just one last time…"

Her tears flowed, and she looked exactly as Hakkai had remembered her as she wept by her dead lover's side.

"I'm sorry… though I know it means nothing to you," said Hakkai brokenly.

"I don't fault you." Her reply was startlingly clear through her tears. "You lost your love on that day too. I understand your pain, I understand your hurt….. And I understand why you did what you did."

"If you understand… then why all this?" he said, waving his hands around at the emptiness that surrounded them.

"Mirai actually wanted me to kill that beautiful youkai who's travelling with you." Hela's words sent chills down Hakkai's spine. "She is hungry for revenge."

"Kill… Yaone?" Hakkai's blood raced. He thought of Yaone, frail, and yet so strong at the same time. The woman he had come to love. She could never replace Kanan, but she was a whole different class of her own.

"She's outside with Mirai!" he said, his eyes racing wildly, looking for a possible exit in this strange void.

"Don't worry yourself. She won't be harmed."

"What?" By this time, the strain of all that was happening was starting to get to Hakkai. Could he bear to lose his love…again?

Kanan had killed herself before his eyes. Would he watch Yaone die too? Or even worse, just come across her dead body?

He loved her. He did not want to lose her again.

He had lost his mind temporarily when Kanan died. If Yaone died….he didn't know what would happen to him.

"I want to ask a favour of you," Hela said, breaking gently into Hakkai's thoughts.

"Yes?"

"…Give me permission to enter your mind… and to live in your memories… I can see my beloved just once more time."

"What do you mean?"

She broke down. "I cannot recall his face… and Mirai never met him. No one I know has any memory of him. I want to see him so badly, but my memory is blurred and dim. You are the only other living person who has ever seen him. The rest are…dead."

"That's all you want? I will gladly comply…"

"There is a catch."

"What is it," Hakkai asked.

"You will have to relive that day's events all over again… and this time you might even lose your mind. There is only so much stress that a mind can take before breaking, and you have gone further than most normal mortals do. You might become totally insane, and lost to the world. You might even go on a mindless rampage again, slaughtering everyone around you."

"Is this why I am encased in this..darkness with you? To prevent me from harming anyone?"

"Yes... you will not be able to escape, and even if you kill me, you will be trapped here forever."

"Which means you will kill me if I lose my mind?"

"Only if I need to."

He looked at her, and nodded. "I took away what you loved best. I cannot deny you this. Enter my mind and see him as you wish. Only I beg… do not harm Yaone."

"Of course."

"I am ready," he said, after calming himself down. "Do I need to do anything?"

"No…only relax."

He only felt a slight tickling and then a deep warmth in his mind… and the nightmare began again.

He felt the pain anew, as he watched Kanan die again…the grief searing through his soul…the madness filling his mind… and he watched helplessly through his own eyes as he went on the insane rampage and bloodbath.

The pain and hurt threatened to tear him apart once again, and his hands were stained with blood.

"Blood…on my hands…"

He had killed so many but the bloodlust was still upon him. He was like a crazy animal, not caring what he killed, only hoping that it would somehow lessen all the hurt inside.

He slashed and tore through hundreds. Blood, blood, blood spattered everywhere, but he could not keep away the haunting image of Kanan beautiful face as she drove the knife into herself.

Even as he killed, he felt the hot tears trickle down his face, mingling with the spatters of blood.

As he slaughtered the demons, he felt in him an overwhelming urge to die. He wanted to die, to join with his beloved Kanan again… just die and let everything go…

Here was the last demon…he came running up…Hakkai paused just briefly to look at him… dark hair, topaz eyes…and with one quick slash, another life was ended…

_A raven haired female was running up…she was crying beside the dead body…_

Hakkai lifted his hand to kill her too, but something stopped him… and he could feel his mind slowly tearing and shuddering… He wanted to fall into the black abyss inside…if he went in, he would never need to worry about anything again…he would never feel again…just sink into the comforting darkness and allow animal instincts to take over…

"NO!" A voice…

_More tears?_

A beautiful youkai female with purple hair reaching out to him…

He could see her hand outstretched before him… she wanted him to take her hand… It wasn't all lost… she would be with him…she would help him…

Hakkai reached out his hand, and held hers… and the darkness around him shattered…

And he looked up to see Yaone, her face tear-stained, but still beautiful.

Hela was sobbing on the ground beside him, and Mirai was holding her tightly.

Hakkai was kneeling on the ground, holding tightly onto Yaone's hand, and he too was crying.

She knelt down, and he felt her arms go around him in a tight hug.

He held onto her, never wanting to let go.

"You are my sanity…" he whispered to her. "I would have gone…"

"Shh.." she said, touching her hand to his lips.

They clung onto each other, and the tears that poured down their faces mingled as they fell to the ground.

----

AN: Well, as usual, all comments and criticisms very appreciated.


	11. Chapter 11: Separation

To Rook: ) Glad to know that you're still reading! ))) huggles her solitary reader

To anyone who wants to know, my SPM results were really wonderful! Better than I expected.

I'm nearing the end of this fic, this will probably be the last or second last chapter.. ) I actually have written and completed the epilogue..(it was done a year ago I think). well, enjoy.

* * *

**Chapter 11 – Separation **

After what seemed like an eternity, the sobbing subsided, and each had time to gather their separate thoughts. Hela had bade farewell to Hakkai, hugging him tightly, tears spilling out from her eyes once more, before leaving. He wasn't sure if he would ever see her again. As suddenly as they had appeared, the sisters left, and Hakkai and Yaone were alone once more.

The next part of their journey seemed almost like a dream to Hakkai. It had an ethereal, unreal quality to it, and like all dreams, it would end soon, and he would wake up, and this would be lost to him forever. These heavy, nagging thoughts weighed him down with every step that he took, and soon, he could bear it no longer.

"Yaone…" he began, unsure of what to say. He stopped walking, and Yaone halted too.

He gripped both of her arms tightly, and turned her towards him. "You know and I know…" He couldn't speak, as his emotions slowly overwhelmed him.

She moved forward and hugged him tightly, but her eyes were dry. This moment was too precious, too potent, for anything like tears. In her heart she knew, that this…this was farewell. No matter where they separated, even if they continued walking on together, this would be where their hearts and souls were cleft apart. It would end here.

It was no longer something to be denied. He loved her, and she loved him, but in their circumstances, love was not something viable or feasible.

"We are enemies…" she said, her tears flowing. "For as long as Sanzo seeks what he seeks, and for as long as Kougaji seeks what he seeks, you and I will be enemies. We may put aside our differences for a while, but it cannot last."

"We can go away…" he said, but even before those words had left his mouth, he knew that it was impossible.

"We can never be together…" She said this softly, as a statement, and her voice was steady. Inside, inside, she was breaking up and every word tore at her heart, but outwardly, she seemed calm. Only Hakkai could feel her slight trembling, and he knew how much effort it took for her to say those words.

He gathered her closer to him, wishing and wishing that they could remain like this, but he knew it was not to be.

"I have loved but two women in my life, and I am to lose both?" he said, his tone, bitter as it ever could be.

Yaone could not suppress her sobs at his words.

"This journey has to end, we always knew that it would. You have your responsibilities, and I have mine…" Behind his eye piece, he could feel his injured eye tearing, and a tear soon made its track down his face, soon joined by its mate from his other, normal eye.

"Why?" Her voice was broken now, and she only could hang on weakly onto the tall youkai.

He could not answer her, for his mind to screamed why. Why was the woman he loved, someone he knew would be the perfect match for him, forever out of his reach? It was too cruel, too painful, too…

"If we do meet again, we can let nothing show…"

"Our comrades will guess…"

"As long as it remains unspoken, it will not become an issue…" It pained him to speak of it like this, to speak or even think of their future meetings, when both could not be distracted by this.

"We cannot let our feelings jeopardise any of our missions. You know that, and so do I. After this, we have to bury it deep down where it will not affect us…"

Suddenly, she stopped. She could speak no more, and somehow, words were already meaningless. They both knew what they had to do, they both knew what was in store.

She reached out and touched his face with one of her hands, and she felt the slight warmth and dampness of his tears on her fingers.

Maybe in the next life, or the next…she would meet him again, and they could be happy together, unburdened by what they had now…

"In the next life, or the next, or the next," he said gently, somehow echoing her thoughts. He leant down and placed a gentle kiss on her lips, a light brush that she barely felt, but sent electrifying tingles through her body nevertheless.

This man…in such a short while, on their journey, they had been through so much together… she had almost lost him and she would lose him again now. The tall man, with beautiful eyes that you could drown yourself in, his quiet yet passionate personality that was the perfect match for hers… his gentle sense of humour, and something in him that called out inexplicably to her… She would have to let go of all of this.

He did not want to leave her, ever, for she was his sanity. He knew he would never rampage like an insane demon ever again, for his memory of Yaone would hold him back, his…angel. The open wound in his heart caused by Kanan's death has finally been healed… but now another new wound would open, and it would grow with every day of their separation, and it would burn and throb for the rest of his existence in this lifetime.

They did start moving again eventually, and they walked as if alone, each taking no notice of the other, swamped over by what each was feeling, and when their paths separated, they did not even look back, and no words were exchanged, for there was no need.

Each carried a memory in their hearts, a memory that would never dim or fade with the passing of years, a memory that would be in the only thing that would keep them going, no matter what would happen to them…a memory made beautiful by love, for all the brevity of the experience.

* * *

AN: It was short I know, but I don't have the heart to make it too long and drawn out. I'm putting up the epilogue as well as I want this to end today, for if I delay it out for too long, I'm not sure if I'll have the heart to post that last chapter. )


	12. Epilogue

** Disclaimers**I do not own any of the Saiyuki characters, and I don't own that wonderful song, **That's Why **, sang by Michael Learns to Rock. Wish I did though. )

**

* * *

Epilogue  
**

Kougaji held his breath as he looked at the stunning girl before him.

"Yaone?" he whispered, hardly daring to believe that she was really there – that she had really returned to him.

She looked at him mutely, and his happiness withered away inside him. Something was wrong. His mind knew, but he refused to acknowledge what it was screaming to him. Her eyes, once so full of love for him had changed inexplicably. They were filled with… sadness.

"Yaone…" He said again, her beloved name rolling off his tongue.

She stood perfectly still, and she bowed her head before him. "Kougaji-sama," she said. Her musical voice was low and unsteady.

**_Baby won't you tell me why there is sadness in your eyes  
I don't wanna say goodbye to you  
Love is one big illusion I should try to forget  
But there is something left in my head _  
**

"Why won't you look at me?" he asked, not really wanting to know the answer. He knew. Deep down inside, he knew. His golden eyes searched her face, mutely begging her not to give him the answer he feared.

As he watched the silent youkai who stood before him, his mind went back to the day when they first met, the day he had saved her life.

She would have been sent to the Hundred Eye demon, to be raped and almost certainly killed.

He remembered how her beauty had made him catch his breath. He did not want such beauty to be wasted and destroyed.

So he had saved her.

He could remember watching her, watching as the beautiful demon swore eternal fealty to him. He remembered seeing the sunlight shining down on her glorious purple hair, and he remembered how he had sworn, in his heart, that he would protect her forever.

**  
_You're the one who set it up  
Now you're the one to make it stop  
I'm the one who's feeling lost right now  
Now you want me to forget every little thing you said  
But there is something left in my head  
_**

"What's wrong?" he spoke again. The silence between them was overwhelming. Not knowing what to do, he reacted almost instinctively. He reached out to her, and drew her close to him. _"Finally,_" his mind whispered. He had been longing to do that for a very long time.

He bent his head down, and captured her lips with his. Slowly and tenderly, he tried to savour it. Their first kiss.

Yaone was limp in his arms. She did not pull away, but neither did she respond.

Kougaji pulled away. "Yaone?" he said, his tone confused, and slightly hurt.

He stared straight into her eyes, and saw them fill up with tears.

His heart gave a sudden, sickening wrench.

**_  
I won't forget the way you're kissing  
The feelings so strong were lasting for so long  
But I'm not the man your heart is missing   
That's why you go away I know  
_**

"Kougaji-sama," she repeated again. The tears spilled from her eyes freely. They gazed at each other, and his grip on her tightened, as if by holding her closer, he could somehow keep her with him.

She was lost to him. He knew it and she knew it, but right now they were trying to come to terms with that. It was such a sudden change from the love – though unspoken – that they had once shared.

It was a strange sort of love, the love between a master and his "servant", for in a sense, that was all she was. She had sworn allegiance to him, and she was his – his to command and his to dispose of had he wished it so.

They had known that they loved each other, but there had been no need to reveal that love. After all, there was still so much to do, and still so much to accomplish.

Now it was too late.

**_You were never satisfied no matter how I tried  
Now you wanna say goodbye to me  
Love is one big illusion I should try to forget   
But there is something left in my head _**

She could only repeat his name. There was nothing else that would escape these suddenly mute lips of hers.

"Why are you here?" he said suddenly, his voice harsh. He pushed her away, and was once again the aloof master she remembered. "Weren't you with Cho Hakkai?"

She fell down on her knees before him. Shocked though he did not show it, he gazed down at her.

"Kougaji-sama," she said. "I have sworn to serve you until I die. I will not go back on my word." The words came out as if forced, as if she did not want to say them at all…as if she held back what she really wanted to say only through sheer strength of will.

He saw this. He wanted to yell at her, yell at her to make her leave. He knew where her heart truly lay…but something stilled his tongue in his mouth. A little twinge of selfishness within him whispered to him. "_Keep her by your side...after all, she has made her choice…"_

She knelt there, head bowed. She did not want to see the clashing emotions on his face as he made his decisions.

His fists were clenched. He knew what choice he would make. He could not keep her by his side while she loved another. It would be unbearably selfish. And he loved her too much to cause her so much pain and distress.

"Go…" he said, anguish filling his soul. "Go to the man you love."

He turned, not willing to look at her anymore – the woman he loved and lost.

He heard her get up, and stifled his sigh. She would go, and he never wanted to see her again.

He gasped in shock as he felt two cold hands around his clenched left fist.

"Kougaji-sama…" she said.

Kougaji gritted his teeth, steeling himself._ I love you_, _don't leave me_! his mind screamed, but he did nothing.

Yaone could feel his slight trembling as she held his hand. He stood cold, stiff and unmoving, but he was trembling. Was it rage? Anger? Or…fear?

"Don't chase me away again," she said, as the tears continued to fall from her eyes.

He finally turned. "You don't love me," he told her bluntly, his golden gaze unreadable.

She did not answer.

"You love Cho Hakkai. And yet you return to me?"

"I will stay by your side forever." These familiar words fell onto Kougaji's heart and seemed to rend his soul to pieces. They were so toneless…and said as if with great loss and sadness.

"So is this Cho Hakkai's revenge?" he asked bitterly. "He returns you to me, but I have to live with the fact that I can never truly make you mine? Your heart belongs to him now. I can see that clearly."

Yaone was silent.

Kougaji's bitter laughter rang through the room, echoing and resounding, until it sounded like there were a dozen mocking sprites laughing.

He stopped as hope began to flutter its fragile wings in his heart once more.

"Yaone chose to come back to me," he thought. "I might still be able to make her love me." It was a slim, almost impossible chance, but a drowning man would clutch at any straws.

As he stared at the beautiful girl who just knelt wordlessly there, Kougaji slowly felt his hopes brighten slightly.

_There is always hope,_ he thought. _And as long as there is hope, life goes on._

"_I can make her love me again."_

**_Sitting here all alone in the middle of nowhere  
Don't know which way to go  
There is so much to say now between us  
There ain't so much for you  
There ain't so much for me anymore_**

Miles and miles away, Hakkai looked up to the blue sky that had only a few small puffy clouds to mar its perfection. It was a beautiful day.

They were driving along in the jeep. Goku and Goyjo had fallen asleep after a tiring day of squabbling, and Sanzo was smoking peacefully by his side, with his eyes half closed.

Feeling alone, Hakkai's mind was free to wander as it wished. "I wonder what she's doing now…" he mused aloud, too caught up in his thoughts.

"Talking to yourself Hakkai? That's the first sign of insanity you know!" Goku had woken up. Grinning, he clung onto the tall youkai from behind. "That long journey of yours messed up your brain, ne?"

Instantly, Sanzo whacked the monkey on the head. "Baka saru. Shut up and go back to sleep."

"HEEEEY! SANZO! YOU HIT ME WITH YOUR FIST!" Goku started to tear up. "YOU'RE SO MEAAAAAAAAAN!"

"Ugh, you woke me up you stupid monkey!" Goyjo attacked Goku with a headlock. "WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHUT UP?"

"Maa maa," said Hakkai, smiling slightly to himself. It was another normal day.

Everyone eventually settled down again, and the jeep rattled on. They were bathed in warm golden sunlight, but cool breezes blew past them, ruffling their hair. The other three seemed to have dozed off, and Hakkai experienced a rare moment of peace.

"Take care, my love…" he whispered to the winds. Like the clouds they would meet and part, never knowing when they would see each other again…if they did meet again, that is.

_I'll be thinking of you._

The jeep rattled on, moving further and further down the road, chasing the horizon, as their journey continued.

Finis.

* * *

Author's comments: So how was it? P Dissatisfied with the ending? It's the best I could think off… hope you guys liked it. It's been…THREE years! But I'm done now….makes me sad, and also happy too… Thank you to my readers, especially Rook who has been reading since the beginning….thank you for your comments and support etc… a big hug to all 


End file.
